Why Most Parenting Advice is Wrong | Yuko Munakata | TEDxCU

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Parenting books promise to show people how to raise happy, successful children, and in the process to reveal why each of us turned out the way we did. But the science of child development tells a different story about how parents influence children—a story that may shock, unsettle, and ultimately reassure anyone who has ever been a parent or a child. Yuko is a Professor of Psychology and Neuroscience at the University of Colorado Boulder. Her work investigates child development and environmental influences on children’s thinking, using behavioral, neuroimaging, and computational approaches. She is an elected fellow of the Association for Psychological Science and the American Psychological Association. Her work on child development has been funded by the National Institutes of Health since 1998, and has been published in top scientific journals and featured in The Atlantic, The Today Show, and Parents Magazine. She co-edited two books on brain and cognitive development, and co-authored a computational cognitive neuroscience textbook. She has received awards for research, teaching, and mentoring. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

Comments

nil. says:

I don't know, I never understood why some people think that violence will earn you respect, why shouting or stern rules will earn you the love of a child. Maybe, they didn't even want children. Maybe, they wanted their children to suffer through what they did. Or maybe, they don't know what to do? Human can be so… so weird. I was raised in a lovely household with loving parents, but I know that not everyone is that lucky. There is such a thin line and once you damage a child you cannot undo that and if then only very very slowly. I am not even having a child and yet I worry of becoming too careless or too careful, too much or too less. I would want my child to be proud of whom they are, to be kind and have a sense of what is fair and what not. Sure, they may be things I cannot control. But what if I lose my patience one day and get loud? I would feel so bad… see my dilemma!?

Levy Schultz says:

Great talk. One of the biggest caveats that makes a potential shift is set and setting. who raises the child, your parents, or grandparents, foster, adoption, state? Were you born in the country/ nature or a big city (few trees and wildlife). My wife and I were raised by our grandparents in the country. There are pros and cons depending on the education of your parents/ grandparents, how they teach you about work, leisure, wealth, and finance. Is there discipline? Is there physical activities for health, wellness, and nutrition?

NeverStopAsking Why says:

just rely on science of parenting that the best method

it will help u in ur futur mate

check out bright side channel

do ur research mate and it will help

all this stuff are very important to humanity

have a wonderful day mate

Milan Ahmad says:

That's call powerful speech!!
Not like any other too much hand moving attention grabbing speakers
who forcefully grab attention through moving their hands.

Maxsteel 42 says:

If you need parenting advice just to raise your kids. You shouldn't have had kids in the first place and the child should be in the orphanage. So that they can be adopted by proper parents.

Mr Mighty says:

Whoosh. What is this? Just a few very sad stories with a weird vague call for something “new”

Alexander Kang says:

Wow. Really glad I watched this ted talk!!!

Daniel Bravo says:

Parenting with a calculator is not parenting…. thank you

Daniel B says:

If parenting is so irrelevant why there are so many successful people that didn't have parents? You can google "eminent orphans".

A psychologist, Marvin Eisenstadt, poured through a number of major encyclopedias, looking for people whose biographies "merited more than one column" — and of 573 people, Gladwell reports, "a quarter had lost at least one parent before the age of 10. By age 15, 34.5 percent had had at least one parent die, and by the age of 20, 45 percent. Even for the years before the 20th century, when life expectancy due to illness and accidents and warfare was much lower than it is today, those are astonishing numbers."

Md. Tomig Uddin Ahmed says:

is hurting child ok? I mean i dont but is it a crime?

Mary Mary says:

This is about individual strengths and weaknesses, personality traits, etc that we are all born with which determines how we will cope as adults. I think it’s far too simplistic, I understand it’s a ted talk which limits the time available to discuss this, but even with that this is extremely simplistic and somewhat patronising. “Don’t blame your parents” this is an unfair thing to say to people who have grown up in despair and abuse. While they may be born with their own unique coping habits they will absolutely be effected by the way they were raised. Every single child benefits from being being raised in a secure and loving home. Maybe the speaker is using this as a baseline and assuming we will do the same, but it should have been discussed. Parenting does matter when it comes to abuse vs security and love.

BOND Together says:

We fully support this! Great Ted Talk

John Wellington says:

its a wonderful sharing. what we said to our children is very influential. I also find free resources in TheGritMindset very useful. it helps me to build a solid relationship with my child and influenced them in a positive way

mz moth says:

I get it, but don't think this rings true when you consider most people's tendency not to be very introspective or honest when thinking about how they cope as a parent. Of course children under the same roof will all differ, look at toxic family dynamics and there are always failures and achievers, parents always claim they are raised the same but they do (through ignorance or not) still contribute in their own ways to the outcome. We're not at all short of this "you're not always responsible, it's them" type perception as it gives good excuse to avoid responsibility.

tem says:

Why do parents and adults ask you question like do you wanna go outside and then you say no and they are like no you are going outside and they just force you to do it like what was the point of asking the question if you are to force me to do it

MIKEwee777 Banned from Twitter says:

12:00 YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL. Everything before this twelve minutes is wrong. PEOPLE CAN NOT BE TAUGHT TO SUCCEED WHEN THEY LACK THE FINANCES NECESSARY TO SUCCEED. Five minutes later, we discover the horror in how parents did not realize that they were responsible to teach until after the moon landing ! She jokes about emotional intelligence and then tries to justify parental abuse. Yes, fearing judgement can be painful. Then she closed the video with a tragic reality : PEOPLE DIE ( LIVE IN THE MOMENT ).

Maddison B says:

The butterfly effect is bullsh*t

Korean Library says:

Very good video! 구르는 돌은 이끼가 안 낀다. (A rolling stone gathers no moss) – Korean proverb

Paul Ave (Dad Mastery) says:

This video inspired me to create a Dad parenting advice channel. Thank you Yuko

mochiyu says:

showed this vid to my asian mom and she slapped me what did i do wrong

Heather Toomey says:

There's a book called Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids that talks about twin studies like that. It basically says that you wont impact whether they succeed in life or not, so you can enjoy parenting. I am getting a degree in marriage and family studies, and so far, from what I've learned, the author has reached the right answer for the wrong reason. Parenting does matter and CAN be used to predict delinquency and such, but if you parent with all the love of not worrying about it, you'll get that result.
There are still some things I disagree with in that book. For instance, time out actually isn't neccessary for long-term obedience. I follow Judy Arnall, a parent educator and mother of 5 grown kids, in her parenting book Discipline Without Distress. She shows how you can teach problem solving instead of giving them a time to choose whether to be mad or "think about it," and of course they choose to be mad. It is hard to learn to change your behavior when you are mad at someone else.

But I do love the idea of parenting like your child will die soon. There's a lot to think about there. You want no regrets.
I often wonder how Adam and Eve raised their children.

HiRoRo P says:

This is a really beautiful Ted Talk, a must for all parents.

It really helped changed my perception about parenting and understand to be more present.

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